two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
