Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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