Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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