Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
