I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
