Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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