When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
