I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
