if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
