i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
