I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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