you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Farmville is her only friend.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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