The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
