Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
