I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
