Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
BRING THE BAGELS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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