i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
