ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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