She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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