She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
