I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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