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dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
