And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
