I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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