the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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