everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
