but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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