bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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