It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize