All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
