you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
