i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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