Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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