just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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