i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
