DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
