If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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