Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
there is glitter all over my balls
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