Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wish my penis had a tongue
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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