my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
