i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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