Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize