So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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