If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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