My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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