I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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