Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
