Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Panties = found
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
