it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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