I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
