that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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