It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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