my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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