He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
