Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize