Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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