she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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