why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
