Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
